Paint My Beating Heart
by SternenDisaster
Summary: Atsushi hated his presence, unseen by everyone. It was the same as he was alive, but at least people knew then that he existed.


The thing was, that he always appreciated the little things.

The things, no one would pay attention to, because they were so ridiculously unimportant and easy to forget.

But he remembered them, and cherished them a lot.

Dazai Osamu was a weird person by people's standards.

He enjoyed the wind breezes on a cold autumn day, and loved the smell of green tea and books. He loved the sound of raindrops hitting the ground, and the clear, blue sky as it slowly turned into an orange tone, and changed to a mix between dark purple and dark blue.

He adored the brown coat he wore, or the clean white of his paperwork, even though he hated signing it.

He was weird, talking about suicide - about life and death, as if it was nothing but a mere children's game, a mere dream.

But maybe that was okay, considering there was a boy laying in his room, shining silver and completely colorless.

Maybe it was okay, because the boy was transparent and Dazai was stunned.

And then he opened his silver eyes, taking Dazai's breath away.

 **-colorless-**

The idea of living with a ghost still startled him sometimes, and made him think about the whole situation.

How could he accept it? He still woke up every morning, expecting to see that the ghost didn't exist and that everything was just a silly dream, made out of his mind's unconscious desire to leave life behind and join the silent and the dead.

But then he opened his brown eyes and woke up to the ghost either staring at him, with those fascinating, silver eyes or to look around the room and see him lingering in front of his window, admiring the sky.

How could this be anything but a dream?That's the question that plagued him day for day, since he first laid his eyes on that transparent being.

But every day, he would get an answer in the form of the ghost's gestures.

He would smile at Dazai and follow him around, unseen by everyone else. He would make breakfast for Dazai, unable to eat it himself.

And he would hug Dazai, whenever he woke up from one of his many nightmares.

Slowly, Dazai started to accept that the ghost wasn't merely a fragment of his scarred imagination and actually existed.

It happened in the middle of work as well, so his partner's stunned expression, as he suddenly stopped playing around and just stared at the spot where the ghost hovered with wide eyes, wasn't unexpected.

After that, Dazai genuinely tried.

Tried to learn about the ghost, that literally haunted him.

His name was Atsushi.

 **-colorless-**

Atsushi loved to follow him around, that was something Dazai quickly learned.

At work, the ghost would look over everyone's shoulder or sigh at Dazai's childish antics. He would agree with some of the things Kunikida, his partner, said to Dazai (it was an amusing sight, seeing Atsushi hover beside the strict looking man, nodding his head).

At other times Atsushi would be the one to cause mischief, and despite such days being rare, Dazai loved them.

After all Atsushi's preferred target was Edogawa Ranpo, a little smug shit. It was just to refreshing seeing the all-knowing guy with a smart mouth shut his trap, because for once he couldn't figure out who stole his sweets or tinkered with his chair when he wasn't present.

The best thing was, that Ranpo suspected it had to do with Dazai, but couldn't prove anything. No one could.

Other than Dazai.

But work wasn't the only place Atsushi followed him - stores and cafes as well.

And with a surprisingly amount of curiosity.

It was clear to Dazai, that Atsushi could remember his life before his death (though he didn't talk much about it, not that Dazai could blame him). So, he couldn't help his surprise, when Atsushi would point at things which were common known and ask him what they were - nor couldn't he stop being surprised, whenever Atsushi started to ramble excitedly about how he couldn't believe such a thing existed. It also happened in Dazai's apartment with his things, but since he didn't keep much, a lot less than outside.

Somehow, it pained him to see the rather cheerful and naive ghost be excited at such small things.

And wasn't Dazai the one that appreciated those small things?

 **-colorless-**

As he first noticed it, Dazai blinked in surprise.

 _Color._

The silver ghost had some color. Not much and it was kind of faded and weak - but it was there and both, said ghost and Dazai where excited.

So, both tried to figure out how the colors came back, but they couldn't think of anything and hours later they decided to let it be for awhile.

Instead, Dazai started to focus on Atsushi's existence, because no matter how much he cherished the company of the ghost (it was fitting, for Dazai to cherish the dead), Atsushi shouldn't exist and both knew that.

They tried various theories and ideas, but with no avail, Dazai finally dared to ask Atsushi about his past and his death. And although the ghost seemed reculant to tell his tale, he did it anyway - to Dazai's dismay, because what he found out was terrible.

And then he remembered a white building and adults surrounded by scared children. He remembered the job of destroying a former orphanage - of course Dazai did it, after seeing the children outside and safe, knowing he wouldn't have a problem later - or so he thought.

Because clearly, he didn't know about that little boy in the basement, chained and unable to escape.

The job always seemed a bit odd too him - but he had a lot of other "odd" jobs, and a former orphanage wouldn't change that...

... or wouldn't have, if he didn't just find out that he was the ghost's murderer - a fact known to said ghost.

Then why where his silver eyes filled with love instead of hate?

 **-colorless-**

It took him awhile to get over it - such things rarely affected him. After all he had done much worse.

But Atsushi was an exception to all of Dazai's rules.

So the man grieved, glancing at the boy often and staring at the sky, a bottle filled with liquid in his hand - until one day the ghost hugged him (even though he couldn't touch him) and Dazai broke down.

"Why are you still here?"

"I don't want to be anywhere else."

Suddenly, there was more color on the ghost.

 **-colorless-**

After finally getting himself together, Dazai restarted his search for answers about the ghost haunting him.

And one day, in the corner of his eyes, Dazai saw the colors shine brighter as the boy played with kittens that sensed his presence.

"How... did you feel just now?"

"Eh? Um... happy, at ease and... alive?"

 _That was it._

Dazai's eyes widened in shock and suddenly it made sense - he had solved the mystery, but not fully.

In the evening at home, Dazai asked Atsushi if he wanted to live.

The ghost's answer were tears.

 **-colorless-**

Atsushi hated his presence, unseen by everyone. It was the same as he was alive, but at least people knew then that he existed.

And then suddenly he woke up in someone's apartment and met Dazai.

 _Dazai, who was his murderer (even if unwillingly)._

 _Dazai, who could see him._

Was it really that unbelievable that he stayed?

He met a lot of people through Dazai. They didn't know him, but how cold they? They couldn't even see him.

Being a ghost was horrible, unfair even. He knew about them, but they would never know about him.

It was weird though. He continued to grow, and all his colors vanished, leaving him in a transparent silver.

So, when he met Dazai and started to gain them back, he was excited.

And then Dazai asked him.

"Atsushi-kun... do you want to be alive?"

He cried.

It wasn't an easy answer. He used to think he shouldn't, didn't deserve to - then he died, and suddenly he was a ghost.

He was devastated, but he still held onto that belief... and then he met Dazai. Everything crashed, everything changed.

He wanted to live so badly.

So, he tried to clutch Dazai's shirt, even if he knew that he couldn't touch it, and continued to cry.

"It's so s-selfish... I used to want to die... I begged for death... and n-now where I got it..."

And then he looked up.

Dazai's eyes widened, as the other looked at him.

"... I know I-I don't deserve it... But I want to live! I want to breath and hug people! I want to hold someone and talk with people... I know I'm being selfish, b-but..."

For the first time in years, Dazai cried.

 _"I want to be alive!"_

Atsushi's orbs had the color of the sunset, and he could feel two hands hold his shirt tightly.

He did the first thing he could think of.

He hugged Atsushi.

 **-colorless-**

Dazai loved the little things in life.

Waking up to Atsushi and holding his hand.

Patting his head, or looking into his eyes.

They were the most important things in his life, and he appreciated them.


End file.
